Quitting is My Option

This will be the opposite of my last post. As I lay here in bed, at six o’clock on a Monday evening, I’m devastated that I don’t feel better this time around. Chemotherapy can make you feel dark and depressed that you literally feel like throwing your hands up and saying “fuck this”. Excuse the f bomb. My fuzzy burnt tongue is back in full force along with all the other side effects that I normally have. And this time peripheral neuropathy decided to make an a appearance. Basically the nerves are being damaged at the tips of my fingers. Seriously. 

I have widdled down to a whopping 115lbs today so my main goal was to get something in my stomach. My smoothie I made for breakfast made me want to vomit half way through choking it down. At lunch I knew I would really have to force myself, like really force. I ordered a side salad from the place next door to work and really prepared myself to eat it. After 2 pieces of cucumber and 3 bites of lettuce I ran to the restroom because I was going to vomit. Does urgent care put in feeding tubes because that is my next step?

My heart breaks that I can’t play with my little girls. I can’t help with homework. I can’t go outside with them. I can’t even eat with them. I want to stop chemo. I know it’s not the best answer to all of this but the way I see it, I’ve had enough. Surgery is already scheduled so why can’t we move it up and get this shit out of my body? I know radiation is 4 weeks after so why not? I don’t need your “doctors know best” lecture about how I feel so please stop. My fear right now is that I will go in for chemo in 2 weeks and all my levels will be so jacked up and I’ll weigh 110lbs that they push chemo back a week or two. Then everything is pushed back. My worst fear. 

So I did speak with my oncologists office today to let them know that things were bad. They are going to stop the taxotere that I have been getting and switch me to taxol. I feel like this is good news but that’s what I said last time and nothing has changed. The more research I do on it tells me that it is a better decision for me. I will not get my hopes up. I going to try and make it through the next 2 weeks without being a negative nancy but no promises. 
And because of chemo brain, I am highly unorganized and can’t seem to remember if I have sent you a thank you card. I had a list going but I think I threw it away. So, I’m working on more thank you cards so please know I’m working on it. I found 4 cards in a purse that I never mailed this morning. Awesome. 

My grammar sucks by the way, I’m lazy. 

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3 Responses to Quitting is My Option

  1. Love you Kelly and love your honesty. I’m praying for the “feel goods” to hit so you can cherish all those moments with your sweet girls that you’re missing now. Even homework 😉
    Your soul shines even through the darkness and I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself. YOU know you the best and follow your heart. Xoxo
    Susan

  2. Michelle Prater says:

    I love you Colleen! I read this tonight for the first time and missed you so. What a strong woman you are! What an amazing mother you are. Don’t second guess your abilities as a parent now. You are going through so much and your children see what you are overcoming. They are children, but they are seeing just how strong of a mother they have. I mean, it’s Colleen! You don’t mess with Colleen! 😉

  3. Iridacea says:

    Greetings from across the blogosphere-
    I am nearly three years out from my similar diagnosis. (3c HER2+, ER+,PR+) I am now doing well BTW. I just wanted to send some love and encouragement, chemo absolutely sucks.
    Everyone is different, our bodies react to all of it individually. I was able to keep eating, which makes me wonder what may have been different in my situation that maybe could help you now?
    Perhaps it may have been from the steroids, Which had other side effects! Including being hungry- even though food tasted terrible, or like cardboard.
    I live in a state with medical marijuana, and though I really only used it a few times, I know many others who were very much helped with it during treatments. Especially with appetite and anxiety.
    Because my work was very physically demanding I took a leave of absence during treatments, and was able to rest a lot. Basically self care was my full time job. Our community made meals for us 3-5 days a week so even though my husband worked my home responsibilities were lessened as well. My children were 11 & 15 then.
    I ate copious amounts of ginger candies, and homeopathic nox vomica pellets – in addition to the two different nausea meds. I ate a lot of soup, sweet potatoes, and cream of wheat cereal. The naturopath gave me some protein stuff for my morning smoothies which got some calories in too. And saltine crackers.
    I also had weekly sessions of various energy healing sessions, like reiki and acupuncture, and took a Chinese herbal medicine formula.
    I had a pathologically complete response, pCR, which means all of my various tumors were gone, with zero trace of cancer – only some residual scar tissue. I chose to not get radiation after my mastectomy as a result. I did continue the full year of herceptin, and continued with the complimentary care too.
    I don’t know what may be available where you live, I send healing thoughts as you negotiate through the rest of your treatments.
    Warm regards,
    Iris

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